lady_leena

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 05:05:36 GMT

And aside from that feeling. that frame of mind that i'm trying desperately to cling to..
i am so fucking sad.

Wed, 09 Jan 2008 21:54:30 GMT

this is new.
and i'm so excitedly relaxed.
and that feels lovely.

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 07:29:11 GMT

I was just thinking about the way it feels to wake up with a body draped over me. the hot breath in the curve of my neck, the arm warm across my chest. how much i love the weight of a leg across my thighs. how much i have relished those few lucid moment in the night, my senses so perked and clouded together - i can hear the darkness and practically smell my bedpartner's dreams. recognizing the feelings i had in the last moments before drifting away, and succumbing to the power of the sheer pleasure of it all - slipping away again....

Sun, 23 Dec 2007 08:26:27 GMT

enjoyed my day. enjoyed work tonight.
did Not enjoy going to the bar.
i just didn't feel it. i couldn't feel anyone there. a pushy, giggling crowd was not for me in my sober, less than ecstatic state.
christmas starts tomorrow evening.
ugh.
ugh.
ugh.
screeeeew this business.
ps. rae - definitely want to see you when you're here. my heart jumped a little when you said that you're coming..

Fri, 21 Dec 2007 23:07:01 GMT

So i'm pretty much the grossest shit on earth right now.
my skin is dry, my psoriosis is back, i've lost so much of my muscle mass - my weight hasn't changed a whole lot, and neither has my dress size. but goddamnit, i Look different. i know that i need to get more excersise. but this whole winter thing.. and working the hours i'm working...my skin's breaking out, i'm not sleeping as well (because i'm not getting enough excersise i'm sure..), and i dont' feel good in anything i wear.
this Must. end.
i repeat Must.
my wellbeing. my peace of mind. depend on it.
i just don't know what to do. the hours i'm working leave me tired at the end of the day, but i haven't done anything really physical..and i could try the just not eating/throwing it up thing again...but i hate making excuses, and should really be beyond those thoughts by now..

i hate looking in the mirror and not saying 'yeah. i'd fuck me.'
ugh.
and i hate complaining about it. i want to just Take Care of It.
but i don't know how to do it. the 'right' way. in the cold. summer is easy. summer is endless walking, playing, and dancing.
winter is fat. and tired.
as am i.

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 10:49:25 GMT

i can make you comfortable
if you can make me feel alive
and i would make you feel at home
if you could take my mind away

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 06:32:17 GMT

this kind of motivation is only going to last so long, and i know it.

nothingyoudon'tknow.

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 06:02:28 GMT

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playasongforme

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 02:17:54 GMT

i'm sitting here with my jacket still on from coming home from work. barely alone and already craving contact.
tears brewing behind my eyes - and only the touch of someone close would bring them to surface. the connection - transferral of energy through a simple Touch.. would bring me just enough relief to let a tear slide down into my contented lips.

i've spent a great deal of time alone recently - my off days from work have been mostly spent shopping, baking, and cleaning; tasks which have kept me content until today.
today i feel..alone. today i feel as though all i Have is cleaning. baking for the people i care for. keeping a happy home for the roomie and i.
and it's not that those things aren't making me happy anymore.
it's just not.. enough, today.
today i was someone to share this with. i want someone to want to share this with me. i want someone i want to want to share this with me.

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 02:25:06 GMT

having one of those days.

one of those

lonely days.
ugly days.
helpless days.

one of those

forever days.
never days.
could never, would never, whatever days.

weakspot.ilovemyweakspot.

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 07:39:25 GMT

i
don't even know where to start right now. my current emotions conflict with those of my every day - which makes it somewhat difficult to do what i usually do here.
which isn't such a bad thing, i suppose.
we celebrated dad's 50th yesterday, and today. what an amazing man. . . i don't think i could have..been born to a better father. have a better man to look up to in my life.....
i don't know what i'll do without him, when it comes to that. i honestly don't.
i'm entirely addicted to facebook.
living at my dads has been nice, but i can't wait to have Home again.
my hair is longer than it has been in Years.
one of my regular customers at the bar brought me music, which i am currently listening to. and Loving.
it's 140am and i'm really not sleepy, but considering lying in bed anyway.
the end.

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 02:26:10 GMT

lisa. your words are always so uplifting to me. i don't know if you knew that - but you always make me feel hopeful about whatever situations i find myself in. it means so much to me to hear you say that you're proud, and happy for me.

most of the time..

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 22:08:31 GMT

i feel like i'm falling apart right in front of everyone's eyes and nobody sees it and nobody wants to know, anyway.
and every day, and every little thing tears off a little piece. and every one i meet takes a little more. and somehow i can't replenish. somehow i'm not getting enough to keep on putting out.
i feel like i'm getting old. like my soul is. wearing out...

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 21:52:37 GMT

alex.
i really fucking miss you today.

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 06:20:45 GMT

y'know what.

i am the only one who is going to make me feel better about myself. i am the only one who can make me feel irreplacable.
i feel so fucking cheesy writing that..some kind of mantra to self-wellness. i know that it's true...but it also seems so farfetched.

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 01:54:25 GMT

me?

i'm doing a bit better. i feel like something inside me is sleeping - that something being my zest; my spunk. i don't feel excited about being me now..and it's really hard to deal with.
but i'm functioning. and i'm not miserable.
i guess maybe i just need something to make me feel special.indisposable.irreplaceable.
know what i mean?

i want you to know that not all of my hum-drum-ness is due to this ordeal with jenny. i felt the drop coming a while ago - it's how i am, in a way. very very up for a while, and then plateau, or sink for another little while... it sucks. and i don't know if it's normal, or right. but it's how i've been for a long time now.

'cest la vie.

today? a decent day. good times with mum - maaike had a bbq at her school, so we did that for lunch. went out for supper with her, arvid and the kids. and then a bit of dress shopping with mum. feeling like part o the family, as well as someone my mum doesn't mind spending time with..even if she doesn't Really know who i am, who i ever have been....

but that's a different can o worms all together.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 15:49:29 GMT

see..part of the problem..is that you made me feel like a hot commodity.
something i had never experienced before.
What?
i suddenly feel attractive, funny...WorthWhile?

and then as suddenly - i felt so plain.so fucking
disposable.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 15:21:54 GMT

there are so many ways to look at this.

losing it: i'm lacking somewhere. god knows in the area of esthetics i don't compare. somehow. i just don't. meet. standard.

chin up: she's without. you could've shown her so much. there's nothing Wrong With You.

in any light - i'm a li'l busted up right now.

i feel misunderstood. i feel misinterpreted.

i feel like there was. no. point.

and as much as i feel like i'm going to be right as rain in no time....i feel silly for waiting so long to open my heart...

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 02:18:24 GMT

okay. so she's back. and i'm super glad. like. . you should've seen me when she surprised me at the bar - appearing out of nowhere with a hugattack..the shock almost rendered me kneeless, causing me to collapse onto the floor in a puddle of excited gooeyness.

but i can't shake the feeling like there's something..that i don't know about. something that Everyone knows that i don't.
i'm constantly getting sympathy eyes from cassie. and elysia looks at me differently as well. as if she's wondering something.....

when i cried last night. silently while you rested on my tummy, tears sliding sideways into my ears... i stroked your hair and wished so fucking hard that you were where you wanted to be. that holding me like that was exactly what you wanted to be doing - exactly who you wanted to be holding. and i'm not convinced that you were. or that it was. or that i am.

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 03:02:36 GMT

so, i've been thinkin' for a little while that i'd really like to write an entry here...but i've had no idea where to start. my mind has been so muddled - and my days so full...
and now i'm drawing an absolute blank.

Tue, 15 May 2007 02:33:46 GMT

Sat, 12 May 2007 00:25:30 GMT

big day...
i've felt so motivated since Ontario. so Able. walked to the Italian market today to purchase special wafers, and raspberry syrup for the dessert i want to make tonight. (i'm wingin' it, and only hope that it works out according to the vision in my mind.) i have felt.. creative. productive. motivated....all day.
love it.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 22:23:37 GMT

i'm feeling. much better now.
not Actually better. but capable of dealing with the crappiness. i did some laundry and got caught up playing dressup after putting it all away. hey - i had an idea! it's friggin 80's, friggin tight, and i love it like crazy. so tori's on her way over and we're going to go for a bit of a walk - cuz' i need to go out in this,but cannot go alone. haha.
i'm looking forward to this evening - monday = heroes!
i can't help but be uber glad i took the day off - i know i should be resting like crazy, but i think that just a day of putzing will do almost as much good. not to mention the sunshine. and excuses. haha.
it's 420. to blaze or not to blaze? nah. ii can wait.
hmm. must cut these nails....ick.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 18:00:03 GMT

i am Some kind of pathetic right now - i tell you.
(also stupid. i don't leave for ontario until thursday. i'll get That out of the way now...)
currently sitting in my bra - glysomed on my shoulder, pain-killers taken, cup o' water beside me and a little bowl o' weed.
i've called in sick to work, and do not plan on any strenuous activity today beyond taking care of my laundry this afternoon. which will be a tough one, as i can barely move my left shoulder for some reason...
i'm sure i drove her crazy last night in my sleep. there's no way i can be this ill, and not make a miserable bedpartner. she was so sweet though. the way she gently slid out of bed, doing her best not to wake me. her beautiful voice coaxing me back to sleep...
i think the pain killers have made me a bit high.
it's comin' up on noon. my apartment is a freakin disaster but i just.. can't muster the stuff to take care of it.the thought of going out in public makes me cringe - though the sun looks lovely and warm..and i'm sure it Would be good for me to get some direct sunlight.
there are so many things i could write right now. so many thoughts i could purge - scattered and only half coherant.
instead, i think i shall try to accomplish Something.

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 00:58:53 GMT

mmm.
busy-ass days, i tell you.
today: rose early with miss jenny to go to the farmer's market. worked at noon, off at six.clean the kitchen. bar tonight.
tomorrow: breakfast at mums at 930am. work at noon, off at six. must get to dads in the evening to do laundry.
monday: work at noon, off at six. pack for ontario
tuesday: plane departs at 630am.
and the few things on my mind?
-getting everything done.
-soaking up as much of jenny as i possibly can.
yep.
gosh she's lovely.