lady_leena

And aside from that feeling. that frame of mind that i'm trying desperately to cling to..
i am so fucking sad.

this is new.
and i'm so excitedly relaxed.
and that feels lovely.

I was just thinking about the way it feels to wake up with a body draped over me. the hot breath in the curve of my neck, the arm warm across my chest. how much i love the weight of a leg across my thighs. how much i have relished those few lucid moment in the night, my senses so perked and clouded together - i can hear the darkness and practically smell my bedpartner's dreams. recognizing the feelings i had in the last moments before drifting away, and succumbing to the power of the sheer pleasure of it all - slipping away again....

enjoyed my day. enjoyed work tonight.
did Not enjoy going to the bar.
i just didn't feel it. i couldn't feel anyone there. a pushy, giggling crowd was not for me in my sober, less than ecstatic state.
christmas starts tomorrow evening.
ugh.
ugh.
ugh.
screeeeew this business.
ps. rae - definitely want to see you when you're here. my heart jumped a little when you said that you're coming..

So i'm pretty much the grossest shit on earth right now.
my skin is dry, my psoriosis is back, i've lost so much of my muscle mass - my weight hasn't changed a whole lot, and neither has my dress size. but goddamnit, i Look different. i know that i need to get more excersise. but this whole winter thing.. and working the hours i'm working...my skin's breaking out, i'm not sleeping as well (because i'm not getting enough excersise i'm sure..), and i dont' feel good in anything i wear.
this Must. end.
i repeat Must.
my wellbeing. my peace of mind. depend on it.
i just don't know what to do. the hours i'm working leave me tired at the end of the day, but i haven't done anything really physical..and i could try the just not eating/throwing it up thing again...but i hate making excuses, and should really be beyond those thoughts by now..

i hate looking in the mirror and not saying 'yeah. i'd fuck me.'
ugh.
and i hate complaining about it. i want to just Take Care of It.
but i don't know how to do it. the 'right' way. in the cold. summer is easy. summer is endless walking, playing, and dancing.
winter is fat. and tired.
as am i.

i can make you comfortable
if you can make me feel alive
and i would make you feel at home
if you could take my mind away

this kind of motivation is only going to last so long, and i know it.

having one of those days.


one of those


lonely days.
ugly days.
helpless days.


one of those


forever days.
never days.
could never, would never, whatever days.

lisa. your words are always so uplifting to me. i don't know if you knew that - but you always make me feel hopeful about whatever situations i find myself in. it means so much to me to hear you say that you're proud, and happy for me.

alex.
i really fucking miss you today.

y'know what.


i am the only one who is going to make me feel better about myself. i am the only one who can make me feel irreplacable.
i feel so fucking cheesy writing that..some kind of mantra to self-wellness. i know that it's true...but it also seems so farfetched.

me?


i'm doing a bit better. i feel like something inside me is sleeping - that something being my zest; my spunk. i don't feel excited about being me now..and it's really hard to deal with.
but i'm functioning. and i'm not miserable.
i guess maybe i just need something to make me feel special.indisposable.irreplaceable.
know what i mean?


i want you to know that not all of my hum-drum-ness is due to this ordeal with jenny. i felt the drop coming a while ago - it's how i am, in a way. very very up for a while, and then plateau, or sink for another little while... it sucks. and i don't know if it's normal, or right. but it's how i've been for a long time now.


'cest la vie.


today? a decent day. good times with mum - maaike had a bbq at her school, so we did that for lunch. went out for supper with her, arvid and the kids. and then a bit of dress shopping with mum. feeling like part o the family, as well as someone my mum doesn't mind spending time with..even if she doesn't Really know who i am, who i ever have been....


but that's a different can o worms all together.

see..part of the problem..is that you made me feel like a hot commodity.
something i had never experienced before.
What?
i suddenly feel attractive, funny...WorthWhile?

and then as suddenly - i felt so plain.so fucking
disposable.

there are so many ways to look at this.

losing it: i'm lacking somewhere. god knows in the area of esthetics i don't compare. somehow. i just don't. meet. standard.

chin up: she's without. you could've shown her so much. there's nothing Wrong With You.

in any light - i'm a li'l busted up right now.

i feel misunderstood. i feel misinterpreted.

i feel like there was. no. point.

and as much as i feel like i'm going to be right as rain in no time....i feel silly for waiting so long to open my heart...

okay. so she's back. and i'm super glad. like. . you should've seen me when she surprised me at the bar - appearing out of nowhere with a hugattack..the shock almost rendered me kneeless, causing me to collapse onto the floor in a puddle of excited gooeyness.

but i can't shake the feeling like there's something..that i don't know about. something that Everyone knows that i don't.
i'm constantly getting sympathy eyes from cassie. and elysia looks at me differently as well. as if she's wondering something.....

when i cried last night. silently while you rested on my tummy, tears sliding sideways into my ears... i stroked your hair and wished so fucking hard that you were where you wanted to be. that holding me like that was exactly what you wanted to be doing - exactly who you wanted to be holding. and i'm not convinced that you were. or that it was. or that i am.

so, i've been thinkin' for a little while that i'd really like to write an entry here...but i've had no idea where to start. my mind has been so muddled - and my days so full...
and now i'm drawing an absolute blank.